Why Wait and Not Go...

The hairband snapped and my damp stringy hair fell. I looked in the rear view, squeaked a little sigh, late for an appointment. Limping into the clinic, I asked the receptionist if she had a rubber band. She nodded, slightly bothered, to watch me pull my hair back...

...not my best way or my best shape that day.

A doctor walked into the exam room. He looked like a Ken doll, no rubber band in his hair. He was fast as he examined my very swollen calf. All pulled together, young, beautiful and competent...while my sort of rumpled self wondered at his shining, smart self.

An MRI and an ultrasound, yup this is what we need, he said.

I gulped. Okay, doctor.

A few days later, I got news that there was a mass in my leg, and by my doctor's tone...it was a big deal and a scary problem. But my healing had already begun...because I had walked into that first appointment.

Well fast forward past more than 150 medical appointments to last week...

...a healing "bell" meditation. I had signed up a few days prior, with that peppy enthusiasm we have for something a ways out..only to feel sluggish when the actual time comes.

Should I go? The day had been tough, the day had been long, the way our time goes sometimes.

Nope...yes...nope? The clock ticked in my head. If you are gonna go, you need to leave now, Julie. Okay...I decided to drive and could change my mind in the parking lot.

But once there I lurched in. Falling back into a chair, looking at all the spongy yoga mats, remembering my own pink yoga mat. People scurried then quieted, lights dimmed and I flew to the day with my rubber band hair. Tears fell, as the bells took me to the dark place behind our eyes.

And out of that darkness came a young girl (who doesn't mind rubber bands for her hair), doing cartwheels and jumping jacks and somersaults and all sorts of bounces.

Yes, yes, yes she cheered...

...we show up and that is enough.

And behind her marched quotes that we hang in pretty frames on our walls and sort of believe and we try to remember...about dancing in the rain and not waiting for another day, ringing those bells that still can ring, Leonard Cohen joined me then.

Those meditation bells rang and soared...just try your mighty best to show up, Julie. We don't have to be perfectly ready or ready perfectly or perfectly anything. There is not time. A sweet little sigh escaped, and that eternal and happy girl gave a sideways wink...

...because sometimes and even lots of times showing up is enough. Oh yes, with our rubber band hair, just getting somewhere can be more than enough...

...so nope, yes, nope. Yes, why wait and not go?